Grief is a deeply personal and complex experience that can follow any significant loss or tragic event. While we all wish to provide comfort, knowing how to support someone who is grieving can feel overwhelming.

In Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping With Stress and Grief by Dr. Pauline Boss, she emphasizes that grief is not limited to death alone. It can also stem from ambiguous loss, a loss that remains unclear and without resolution. This concept extends beyond personal relationships and can also apply to collective grief experienced during natural disasters and other large-scale tragedies. For example, losing a home or community to a wildfire or hurricane creates a sense of loss that is both tangible and intangible. Understanding the nuances of ambiguous loss can help us provide meaningful support to those who are suffering.

What to Say and Do:

Acknowledge Their Pain

Remind them that all feelings of grief are valid, whether the loss was recent or years ago, sudden or anticipated. Simple phrases like, “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Let it out. I’m here for you.” can convey your compassion.

Offer Your Presence

Sometimes, words aren’t necessary. Simply being present, whether in person, on the phone, or through a text, can be deeply comforting.

Be Specific in Your Offers to Help

Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer concrete help, like bringing meals, walking their dog, or running errands.

Encourage Them to Share Memories

If they’re ready, invite them to share stories or memories of the person or situation they’re mourning. This can help keep their connection alive and bring some comfort.

Below are additional phrases you can ask or say to support someone who is grieving:

Sometimes, Listening is Enough

One of the most powerful ways to support someone is simply to listen. Create a safe space where they can express their pain, anger, confusion, or even moments of relief without fear of judgment. Your role isn’t to solve their grief but to bear witness to it.

What Not to Say or Do:

Avoid Comparing Grief

Grief is not a competition. Saying, “I know exactly how you feel” or comparing their loss to your own can diminish their experience.

Don’t Rush Their Healing

Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Avoid saying things like, “Aren’t you over it yet?” or “You’ll feel better soon.“

Steer Clear of Toxic Positivity

While optimism has its place, phrases like, “At least they’re in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason,” or “Look on the bright side,” can come across as dismissive.

Don’t Take Over the Conversation

Resist the urge to share your own stories of loss unless they specifically ask. Focus on their emotions and experiences.

Grief effects everyone differently, but your care and presence can make a significant difference. Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers. Showing up with kindness and an open heart often means more than any words could convey. By validating their feelings, avoiding harmful statements, and simply being there, you can offer meaningful support during one of the hardest times in their life.

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