When it comes to saying goodbye to a loved one, especially someone living with dementia, the path is rarely straightforward. Dr. Pauline Boss, in her book Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping With Stress and Grief, explores the concept of “closure” and challenges its traditional meaning. Closure, she argues, is often an unrealistic expectation. Instead of seeking a definitive end, we might find more comfort in embracing an ongoing process of letting go, one that allows space for both grief and love.
Is There a Right Time to Say Goodbye?
The answer is deeply personal. For those caring for someone with dementia, goodbyes may happen in stages. You might say goodbye to shared memories, to the roles your loved one once held, or to the relationship as you knew it. And when your loved one passes, you face another layer of farewell. Each of these moments is valid and deserves acknowledgment.
There is no perfect moment to say goodbye, but here are some indicators that it might be time to focus on finding peace:
• When the relationship feels different:
If your loved one no longer recognizes you or shares the connection you once had, you might begin saying goodbye to those aspects of your relationship.
• When you’re ready to let go of expectations:
Accepting that things won’t return to how they were can be a way of honoring both your loved one and yourself.
• When they pass away:
Even after death, saying goodbye in your heart is a meaningful step toward healing.
Why Closure Might Be a Myth
Dr. Boss suggests that closure is a controversial and often unattainable goal, particularly in ambiguous loss, a term she uses to describe situations where loss is unclear or incomplete. The lingering “what-ifs” and “if-onlys” can make it feel impossible to close the door completely.
What if you had said or done something differently? If only you’d been there more, tried harder, or handled things better. These thoughts can haunt us, but they are a natural part of grieving. Recognize that there is no perfect, right way, or best time to say goodbye. Holding onto regret, shame, or guilt only prolongs the pain and prevents healing.
Instead of aiming for closure, consider reframing it as an ongoing process of acceptance. Letting go of the “what-ifs” and “if-onlys” doesn’t mean forgetting or minimizing your love. It means making space for self-compassion and understanding that you did the best you could under difficult circumstances.
A Final Word of Hope
Caregiving for someone with dementia is undeniably hard. But with the right tools, support, and mindset, you can find hope in the process. If you’re on this caregiving journey and looking for support, learn more about our Finding Meaning and Hope program. It’s designed to help caregivers find balance, cope with grief, and uncover hope, even in the most challenging moments. Start the new year with renewed hope and strength in 2025 by joining our program today.
