Angst: Story #6
I felt angst again this morning, that little five letter word Noah Webster described as “a gloomy, often neurotic feeling of generalized anxiety and depression. ”It’s sometimes prompted by visiting my spouse who is in hospice care with severe Alzheimer’s disease and breast cancer. I began experiencing angst with occasional tears welling in my eyes about seven years ago when I became her primary caregiver. As her dementia progressed, she hasn’t always known me. And now, after fifty-three years of marriage and witnessing her steady decline, I feel like I’m on an emotional roller-coaster.
Being alone, I can’t seem to shut my thoughts down particularly in the early morning hours we have normally spent together. Since she is lost in her own world, I remember, for both of us, the many conversations and bottomless cups of coffee we have shared through the years. No world problems were ever solved but my heart aches when I think of those morning discussions about anything that popped into our heads. Nothing compares to being in the company of someone with whom you share mutual love. I regret that even one minute of those precious moments was ever taken for granted.
When I realize those times are gone forever, I feel angst to the depths of my soul. It’s been said that God doesn’t give anyone more than they can handle; nevertheless, dementia is a cruel test to undergo. You learn while on this sad journey that too many good people suffer the same fate and your heart goes out to them. Some become dear friends through support groups because of the desperate need we share for understanding and encouragement. We hold each other up with empathy, compassion and the bonds of friendship.
Another cause of angst is what Pauline Boss, Ph.D., described as “grief and loss.” In her book, Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, she said, “Someone we love is both here and gone. When there’s no cure to an illness or condition, the only window for hope is to become more comfortable with ambiguity and a less than perfect relationship.” She coined, “ambiguous loss” to explain such feelings. But for me, it’s unforgiving angst as I face the reality of our unfortunate circumstances. Angst or no angst, that special lady who stole my heart long ago will always have my support and undying love as her dedicated journeyman caregiver.
Foundations by Noah Webster, Webster’s New Twentieth Century Dictionary. New York: Prentice-Hall Press, 1983.
Boss, Pauline, Ph.D., Loving Someone Who Has Dementia. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2011.
© 2022 Gerald Lloyd Wood. This story and accompanying art are used with permission of the author, Gerald Lloyd Wood.
