Published in the Arizona Republic, May 2025
May celebrates Mental Health Awareness. How are you in this area? Are you good—no issues? Or are you more, “Eh, I’m good… or at least no issues I really want to talk about!” I ask because it’s important. The issues we don’t talk about eat away at us, silently chewing at little pieces until we kind of snap. That snap might be big or small – sharp words, or maybe a diagnosis we never saw coming. It happens when we don’t pay attention to signs. Why? We’re preoccupied elsewhere.
Thankfully, open discussion about mental health has become more normal. The trauma of Covid made chronic sadness, loneliness, and isolation mainstream. Grief became an everyday topic. A taboo subject came into the open. And now that the cat’s out of the bag, those who once hid their struggles are less adamant about keeping them quiet. Hallelujah – that’s a good thing.
The outpouring of people facing mental health challenges gave brave individuals – some celebrities – plus the media and our health system the push to start real conversations. We used to whisper about mental health the way we whispered the word “cancer.” No longer is this acceptable we’ve discovered.
Aging spouses are caregivers, and many adult children are in the ‘Sandwich Generation,’ caring for multiple generations. There’s beauty in this, but those in the middle get pulled in many directions, constantly needing to choose whose needs come first. For spouses, care gets harder as aging and illness bring change. Stress becomes palpable.
Many caregivers don’t even call themselves that. They just are people who love their people who happen to need help. End of story. It’s not a title or obligation – it’s “what we do.” Yet the toll it takes physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, is profound. Others may notice, offer help, suggest respite, but often don’t follow through consistently, or for the long haul. And when they do, the recipient might feel it means they can’t manage their lives, or worse, can’t cope.
The stigma of mental health is this idea that we’re supposed to have ‘control’ over our emotions, both feelings and thoughts, and our responses (or perhaps more appropriately, our reactions) to a given circumstance. And while we as outsiders may genuinely care, empathize, and stay present, there’s still a part of us waiting for someone to just “snap out of it.” You grieved; you stopped eating; you’re not sleeping – “are you done yet?” If you’ve never felt that loss of control, loss of self or focus, you can’t imagine it. You just can’t.
In full disclosure, it just happened to me. It was short-lived but mind-bogglingly debilitating. I was bitten by a dog. Not big, not bad, but deep and bruisey. (I make up words when I need to.) In the scheme of things not a big deal, yet it triggered a PTSD I didn’t know I had. It brought back memories of a childhood dog bite that required rabies shots. I shut down. I couldn’t process or function normally for a couple of days. I wasn’t seriously hurt, but the emotional response was real and surprising. It was weird. What helped? Urgent care, a shot, antibiotics, and a skilled friend who helped me process. And after that experience, I learned. I’m blown away at even trying to imagine what it’s like for someone who is going through true trauma, pain, loss, etc.
In caregiver support groups, even our silent generation is opening up about struggles long considered taboo. And they’re feeling better just knowing they’re not alone. Not alone in their circumstances, or in the complicated gamut of emotions that come with caregiving. I’ve watched the release bring healing and the ability to move forward. As a friend once said: we bring casseroles when someone is sick or passes away, but what do we do when a friend is physically fine but emotionally not well?
Think about it. Where do you land on the spectrum of sharing what you’ve been through? We see trauma reemerge with dementia, or near end of life, as the brain works to close doors and settle unfinished business. Mental health matters as much, if not more than physical health. What can you do to stay well? For yourself, and for others?
By Elaine Poker-Yount
Elaine Poker-Yount is an Aging and Dementia Care Educator/Specialist at Successful Aging AZ. Her columns are featured monthly in The Arizona Republic.
